Sunday, October 31, 2010

Sink or Swim

Last week was a really TOUGH week for us. There was no one reason- it just was. You may know the feeling of the days where you think you just can't go on. I don't know if anyone has really ever felt that way. I never have until last week. Even at my darkest times in the past, or what I thought was dark, it was really nothing in comparison to what I felt recently. However, after some very quiet moments and some deep thinking I again reminded myself that attitude is a choice. That even when our world is crashing down, we are left with a choice: to either SINK or SWIM. We can LAUGH or CRY. We can DESPAIR or we can HOPE. 

I choose to SWIM, LAUGH and HOPE. It is not always easy, but it sure beats the alternative.

I think I have been so busy in the day to day dealing with each issue and having to be strong, and finally with Dave being home from school and sharing the daily load I was able to relax and think. All the emotions just piled up and I felt very burdened. It finally became real to me that Lincoln's leg will not come back, that this is something we will have to deal with and work through for the rest of our lives. I KNOW it will all work together for our good, and I am confident that Lincoln will be able to look at this as a challenge rather than a disability. It just makes me cringe to think of all that he has to go through to get to the point where his leg is healed and ready for a prosthetic. I have so many unanswered questions and to me that is the most frustrating thing. I like to know what to expect, I like to plan and to prepare, and this is one thing that even the doctors can not help me with at this point.

All we have is faith in God that he will order and provide everything in due time and strengthen us until we can start to see the light at the end of this very LONG tunnel. We found out that there is an infection in Lincoln's bone and he will definitely be in the hospital for 2-3 more months until his grafting is done and it all takes. When things look so bleak and the docs give you nothing but issues to worry about it can be hard to find the hope.

So, Dave and I took it upon ourselves to create our own hope. Firstly, we took a break to clear our heads and get our perspective back. We took a few days and drove up to Cedar City and stayed at a Bed & Breakfast and enjoyed the fall foliage and mountain air. Removing ourselves from the Vegas area and from the hospital scene really helped us to remember that this WILL NOT last forever, we will get through this, and Lincoln will come home someday. We were able to talk about other things, and laugh and love life. It was sooooo NICE! Just what the doctor ordered- literally.

Upon our return to the hospital we felt renewed strength and I think Lincoln felt it oozing from us. The last two days have been wonderful with him. We moved him from his warmer into a crib- which is one step closer to him coming home. The nurse said that she watched the dressing change on his leg and his leg is looking much better after his surgery on Tuesday. The tissue looks healthy. Yeah!

 We decorated his crib with his animals and the lovely drawings his cousins made him!

Today we dressed up for Halloween and I must say this is the cutest ghost I have ever seen!
And did I mention he is 7 lbs 1oz. He is getting sooo big!
Lincoln has discovered his hands and he holds his binkie in all by himself and he even learned how to SUCK HIS THUMB! We are so proud!!!
I mean he is SOOO Precious. Tonight as we tucked him in and we told him how much we loved him and how thankful we are for him, the nurse started to cry, and said, "He is so lucky to have you." And I thought to myself and I believe I uttered it out loud- No, we are sooooo blessed to have him. He makes us strong, he gives us HOPE and COURAGE and he completes us.

And so... we are swimming and laughing and hoping- and man, is life sweet. We have all we need if we have each other- and for those crummy days which I know will come again from time to time, I will pick myself up and put on this shirt and remember...
 Yes, I am a VERY LUCKY MOM!


Amy said...

Kim! You make me cry everytime I read your posts! You probably don't even know what a strength you are to others right now, but I just wanted to let you know that you are!! Your strength through adversity is an inspiration to me (and I am sure others feel the same way) and helps me with my day-to-day! I just had to tell you what a wonderful person you are and I am sure your husband is just as wonderful, his post made me cry as well!! I think of you guys everyday and am praying for all three of you!!

The Small Bevell Bunch said...

Kim, I agree with Amy you are such a inspiration to me, seeing your smile and learning more and more about you makes me try a little harder and want to be better in what I am doing! THANK YOU for sharing and I am so glad that you and Dave were able to take some time away just to reconnect with each other its very important and makes you better parents and renews your strength to get threw! I am very grateful to know you and be getting to know you and hoping to meet little lincoln soon!

Jen Johnson said...

Kim you are amazing. I agree that you are so blessed to have this little man in your life, but he is also very blessed to have such a wonderful, strong, and loving mommy and daddy. Reading your post reminded me of a quote I heard a while ago. I actually have it posted to my fridge so I see it every day. It helps me on those days that I feel like I can't go much further. It says, "Keep your chin up. It turns your face to the Lord." Just remember that Kim. I know it's not much but everytime I do I know I can get through anything with the help of the Lord. You are such a strong and amazing woman. Know that we love you and your sweet little Lincoln. We are continually praying for you.

Lauren and Chase said...

Kim, he truly is the cutest little ghost around! You guys are amazing, and each new picture I see of you and your little family warms my heart! You can tell how close the three of you are! You are such a strong woman, and I look up to you so much! I wish we lived closer so we could physically help out with things, but know that Chase, Maddox and I pray for your family daily. Heavenly Father knows how special your little Lincoln is, so he made sure to send him to a pair of wonderful parents! Keep your spirits up, and know that everyone loves you guys and are praying for you!!