I have pondered so often in the past three months about having no control, and yet wanting to change things that are absolute and out of our hands. Through all of the ups and downs, the heartaches and the joys I still struggle with this mind game daily of being hopeful and thankful and yet accepting reality all at the same time. I wish I was perfect at it, but I am not. There are days when I am at peace in my mind that all of this is going to work out and it will all be a distant memory someday soon. Then there are the days when I walk past Lincoln's empty room all ready for him and I feel the frog begin to choke my throat. I feel it when I look at his carseat that sits by his bedroom door and collects dust as we wait for the day we can take it to the hospital, I feel it when we sit in church and I see all the cute little boys that snuggle in with their moms- it hurts. It hurts so bad it almost sucks the air out of my chest. It hurts because I can't change where we are at right now. All I can do is accept it and try to find contentment in what I do have.
While studying my scriptures and reading this morning I found a scripture that really spoke to me.
Paul said speaking to the Phillipians in Phill. 4:11: "Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content."
Marjorie Pay Hinckley once said: "The trick is to enjoy life. Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones ahead."
Dave, my wise husband likes to remind me: "If it wasn't this trial Kim, it would be something else. There is always going to be something not exactly the way we would like it in our lives."
They are all so right. I know this, and yet somedays I just want it all to be made right, I want it all to be fair. Life is not fair. My mom has told me this since I was a young girl - I now, am realizing just how unfair it can be. I have days where I throw myself a party- a pity party. It does nothing for my spirits, and it only lasts a few minutes, and then I always seem to come around and start to refocus on the good and enjoy the small things that happen daily that are such a blessing and a miracle.
My goal for the week is to take Sis. Hinckley's advice and not wish away my days waiting for better ones ahead. I am going to go love up on some amazingly, incredibly CUTE CHEEKS, and relish in the deliciousness of life!