Monday, November 8, 2010


Yesterday was one of those days.  I woke up with a deep sadness in my heart, I rolled over and told Dave that I just felt so off and so sad. I couldn't really explain it. He said he felt the same. The night before as we were driving to the hospital we heard the very devastating news about a family friend's passing and his leaving behind a very young family. My heart ached for the family left behind. You see, through all of our recent struggles I have become very acquainted with the feeling of wanting things to be different and feeling powerless to change anything. I am sure this is how this newly widowed young wife of our friend feels as she struggles to find the meaning in this tragic event, and then carry on to raise her small kids.

I have pondered so often in the past three months about having no control, and  yet wanting to change things that are absolute and out of our hands. Through all of the ups and downs, the heartaches and the joys I still struggle with this mind game daily of being hopeful and thankful and yet accepting reality all at the same time. I wish I was perfect at it, but I am not. There are days when I am at peace in my mind that all of this is going to work out and it will all be a distant memory someday soon. Then there are the days when I walk past Lincoln's empty room all ready for him and I feel the frog begin to choke my throat. I feel it when I look at his carseat that sits by his bedroom door and collects dust as we wait for the day we can take it to the hospital, I feel it when we sit in church and I see all the cute little boys that snuggle in with their moms- it hurts. It hurts so bad it almost sucks the air out of my chest. It hurts because I can't change where we are at right now. All I can do is accept it and try to find contentment in what I do have.

While studying my scriptures and reading this morning I found a scripture that really spoke to me.
Paul said speaking to the Phillipians in Phill. 4:11:  "Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content."

Marjorie Pay Hinckley once said: "The trick is to enjoy life. Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones ahead."

Dave, my wise husband likes to remind me:  "If it wasn't this trial Kim, it would be something else. There is always going to be something not exactly the way we would like it in our lives."

They are all so right. I know this, and yet somedays  I just want it all to be made right, I want it all to be fair. Life is not fair. My mom has told me this since I was a young girl - I now, am realizing just how unfair it can be. I have days where I throw myself a party- a pity party. It does nothing for my spirits, and it only lasts a few minutes, and then I always seem to come around and start to refocus on the good and enjoy the small things that happen daily that are such a blessing and a miracle.

My goal for the week is to take Sis. Hinckley's advice and not wish away my days waiting for better ones ahead. I am going to go love up on some amazingly, incredibly CUTE CHEEKS, and relish in the deliciousness of life!


Melissa said...

I wish I could reach out and give you a hug, Kim!

Lincoln is just so cute... I wish I could give him a big squeeze and kiss too.

Just want you to know that I'm thinking of you!

Amy said...

I can only imagine the hurt that you speak of...
I want you to know that we are thinking of you... You are an awesome woman and mother and wife!!! Heavenly Father only gives us trials that He knows we can bear, and that alone proves how strong you are! I love you!

Amber said...

Kim and Dave,
I am just now catching up on your blog and I can hardly read your words through my tears. My whole heart goes out to your family. I feel truly humbled by your faith and how you are able to seek out the positive in this trial in your lives. He is absolutley an angel sent from above. He is so so so blessed you have you two for parents. Please know that you are all in our thoughts and prayers. Keep hanging on!
Monte and Amber

Brittany said...

Everytime I read your blog I am in awe of your amazing spirit and faith. You have such a positive outlook and are so strong. You are an outstanding mom and I anxiously await the day that you write that you finally got to take Lincoln home.

merrygirl said...

Kim and Dave,

You amaze me, absolutely amaze me. Dave once told me about trial at work one day, he is a smart man and so lucky to have you. I know that one day you will shake off the dust on the car seat, strap it into the car where it belongs, and that Lincoln will be home, with you where he belongs. As for frogs, well sometimes they just have to let out a rib-bit every now and again, I have to say mine does but lately the rib-bits have been for joy, that I see Lincoln's cheeks all chubby and with a rosy hue and the fact that I see you and Dave in his face. What a blessed child he truly is.

Love to you all,

Mary, Micah and Lucy too.

Jen Johnson said...

Kim, I can't even imagine the hurt that you feel when you see his carseat. Matt and I continue to pray for that sweet little boy and you and Dave as well. Stay strong. You are an amazing woman and your husband is right. If it wasn't this trial, it would be something else. Every time Matt and I see the sweet pictures you post, it shows how much he is growing and improving. I know that may not sound like much, but he really looks so good and so healthy every time you post more pictures. Keep posting those pictures Kim. You will get to use that carseat soon and see him sleep in his own crib in his room soon too. We love you Kim, and remember to keep your chin up!

Hornes said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Hornes said...

Kim-this post brought tears to my eyes. I too have felt the lack of control I have in my life with certain circumstances and wishing and hoping things could be different. I have felt some of the same feelings you have and the hurt in my heart (although no where near the intensity of the situation you are going through right now). I think back to the days when you, Charis and I lived together in college and how care-free life seemed back then. We have all had trials and struggles come into our lives since then...things we never even imagined, but I believe that we are stronger women because of it. (luckily, we all have great husbands to help us through too!:)
Thank you so much for opening up your heart and sharing your thoughts. They truly strengthen me, everytime I read them.
For now, just nuzzle up on those cute cheeks and keep dreaming about the day when you will bring your sweet baby boy home. You, Dave & Lincoln are in my thoughts and prayers.